Falling In Love With Naga Jolokia

Exactly 36 years back, as a young man, I was looking after our glass bottle business in Madras. One day, I complained to my friend Jayant Kamdar (aka JK) that I was bored to death. He was a pioneer optometrist in Madras who was trained at Canada in fitting contact lenses.

He was an extremely intelligent person and he would often tell his friends, "There are only two Gujaratis who are brilliant. “One is myself and another is Hemant." He was the most incorrigible Jain I have ever known. He enjoyed chicken more than chickpeas. Eggs more than eggplants and, in short, prided himself in saying that "I eat all things that walk, fly and crawl.”

He used me as a guinea pig for demonstrating his contact lenses to people, particularly film stars. The late MGR and SHIVAJI GANESHAN were two stars who saw a color movie of me wearing cosmetic lenses which turned the color of my eyes blue, red, orange, and green. Later on both started wearing colored lenses as their movie roles demanded.

Coming back to my complaining to him that "I was bored to death,” he replied "Look Hemant, I had the same question in my mind when I was in Canada and a white Canadian friend gave a suggestion that "If you are bored to death in your life, either start drinking or start loving somebody's wife."The reason being that whenever you are with the wife of someone, there is always a fear and excitement about being discovered with your pants down and mentally you are always trying to figure out ways to escape from the bedroom at the drop of a hat.

I understood his logic and agreed that the second suggestion was most welcome. I told him so and asked "How about my falling in love with your wife? Because charity starts at home."

There is no need to say that he literally fell off his stool laughing and told me that I was more intelligent than him.

But what possible connection does this story have with my love for Naga Jolokia?

Friends, there is a connection.

When you feel lethargic and are in a state of ennui, and when your body and mind slow down, when you no longer feel the bouncy spirits in you, when you feel that hunger has left your stomach, when you do not like to eat proper food, when your blood report says cholesterol at high levels, when the urine report says sugar over the permitted level meaning you are a diabetic, it is time you should go to your vegetable seller or a farmers’ market, and not to your doctor. You will do yourself a big favour by buying Hot chili peppers like Habanero or Thai chili or any Hot variety available. This is just to start with. Remember that you need to flirt with Naga at a later date.

If you are a novice, buy mildly hot chili peppers and start eating at least two per day to start with. If you are gutsy, buy habanero chiles and start with two per day. Continue this therapy for about fifteen days and then select chile peppers with higher heat. Repeat the same process till you are ready to kiss the Naga and suffer for the folly.

But in order to be successful, you will have to think Naga, feel Naga and physically caress Naga. Have about a pound of Habaneras or Red Savina or any other hot pepper always with you in the fridge. Get used to seeing them, feeling them, smelling them and occasionally taking a small bite from them.

Falling in love with Naga Jolokia is like falling in love with someone's wife or a rich man's daughter, or a possessive WWE lady wrestler. Generally it starts and remains a ONE SIDED AFFAIR which is life long. Your first encounter with hot chile peppers leaves you red in face, fire burning in your mouth, crying, and generally at your most uncomfortable state, with your whole being on fire. The effect of your initial encounters leaves a bad taste in your mouth and just as in love, leaves a heartburn followed by stomach burn and a red ass on fire. Faint hearted sissy people run away never to try and look Naga in face (let alone in the mouth).

But for others like me (incorrigible and written-off cases), instead of being a deterrent, it prompts them to "not get defeated" and goads them to try again and again. This is because Naga, once within your system makes you feel hyper or on a high. You feel as if you are driving an SUV in a DUI state. Your tongue longs for that tingling burning sensation. Your lips long for the hot burning kiss of death. It creates a state of challenge in your mind, mouth and stomach. All the three of them want to face the challenge again and again.

You once again reach for the forbidden fruit called Naga Jolokia and once again are floored in agony.

This state of affairs lasts just for an initial period of a couple months. Then, Naga seems to be impressed with your determination. Please remember that at this stage, you are just being tolerated and nothing more. Any layoffs from Naga and you have to start from square one. Naga Jolokia is very possessive in nature. You ignore Naga for a short while and you go one light year backward and away from Naga.

Naga needs to be caressed, smelt, kissed and enjoyed in bits and pieces. You can't just insult Naga by trying to devour whole fruit at a time. It would be like swallowing a red hot pinball. You will neither be able to swallow nor to spit it out. You will be in a catch 22 situation. Naga needs a lot of flirtation. Naga will never get used to you. You will have to get used to Naga.

Flirting with Naga is a long, drawn-out process and it requires determination, perseverance, and a willingness to suffer. For a spicy man like me, it took about 6 months to be accepted by Naga. For a novice like you, you may have to sweat it out for over a year depending on your determination.

You must always remember that you are flirting with the most coveted woman on earth who is beautiful like no other, who is delicate like no other, who is fiery like no other, and who is unforgiving like no other. You must also remember that you will never be able to master her and will always be a devoted servant to her. You will always bear her anger, fire, and kiss of death on a daily basis. You will also understand that being with your mistress Naga is a thing of Bliss or Nirvana.


To be continued……


picture of " LADY ON FIRE" from flickr.com with thanks